But, Really. (Gender Rant)

yepdeesaidit:

Thanks to Tumblr, I’ve learned that I’m cis-gendered, someone whose biological sex matches their gender identity. In other words, I am a woman by both genetics and deed.

Because you’re learning I am going to interject here and tell you that the way you’re using biological sex (not to mention the way most people use and conceptualize the term especially when talking about trans* folks) it kinda fucked and makes my skin crawl. Because (and correct me if I’m wrong) I’m pretty sure you’re talking about bodies. You’re saying, essentially, you have female parts/a female body and a female gender identity and thus are cis. The phrase ‘biological sex’ almost always gets used like this, as a way to gender people’s bodies. That is not cool.

Here’s the thing. My ‘biological sex’ matches my gender identity (and it’s very very important to note that not all trans* people or people in general conceptualize their identities this way and the terms like ‘female bodied’ are useful because some folks see their body as female even if they are male or agender or genderqueer or whatever and that’s okay, it’s their body, they can do with it and see it as they will.) It’s my body, it is ‘biologically’ genderqueer because I am genderqueer. I am going to resist any attempts at gendering my body against my will.

Everyone asking about “biological sex” READ THIS THING PARAGRAPH. This is another reason I’m not fond of the phrase.

A better way to explain cisgender would be to say that one’s gender matches the gender one was labeled at birth. Because that’s true and that doesn’t fit me. I was labeled an utterly different gender that what I actually am. People perceive me as a different gender than I actually am all the time. But my body matches my gender (doesn’t mean I don’t want to modify it but it’s my body and I am allowed to be as comfortable or uncomfortable with it as I like and I am allowed to label it as I choose and I refuse to accept anyone gendering it against my will)

Many armchair activists hate cis gendered people, grouping all of us into the same categorized intentional oppression of transgendered people. By armchair activists, I mean Tumblr users as I’ve only been exposed to this via Tumblr. Here are my issues.

Here’s another thing, there is a difference between hate and legitimate, justified anger. There is a difference between saying all cis people are actively and intentionally oppressive and saying that all cis people benefit from systematic oppression of trans* folks, don’t need to think about it and thus, at one point or another, participate in said oppression, consciously or not, intentionally or not. I do not hate cis folks. I hate they systematic oppression of trans* folks that cis people benefit from directly. I hate the system that makes cis-ness the social norm and the default. I hate that cis folks never have to think about it if they don’t want to but it can smack me upside the head whenever it feels like it.

So be careful when distinguishing between the two. And even if one or a handful of trans* people actually and actively hate cis folks and categorize all of them as intentional oppressors (which may happen despite the fact that I’ve never seen this) it really wouldn’t make that much of a difference, because cis folks still have the systematic power.

1. The lack of understanding that not everyone is privileged to know that gender is a spectrum.

Many of us never question our assigned gender, much like the color of our skin, we accept it as irrevocable. We haven’t all been exposed to the understand that gender is neither finite nor monochromatic. The same understanding, or rather respect, that you demand should also be tempered with logical thought and understanding. You may have been spending all this time defining your gender, and that’s fantastic, but realize the average person has not.

Ignorance is not an excuse for oppressive behavior. It is an explanation sure, but not an excuse and it shouldn’t be an out. It’s somethign that needs to be fixed. Look if someone is swinging their arms around, utterly unaware and ignorant of their surroundings and they smack me in the face because they weren’t paying attention, I am allowed to be upset. And their reaction should be to apologize and probably notice so next time they don’t unintentionally and ignorantly smack someone in the face. Their reaction should not be to excuse their harmful (hello that shit hurts) behavior with words like ‘I didn’t know you were standing there’ or ‘you shouldn’t have been in my way’ or ‘look just understand that I had no way of knowing you were there, it’s not my fault I hit you, don’t be angry’. Ignorance is not an acceptable excuse to be an oppressive ass hat.

You apologize, you learn, you move on, you fix your ignorance. It’s hard, especially when you have an entire system of privilege in place telling you you have the right to do what you like and no one should complain to you (privilege is like that, fuck it’s tough). I get that it’s hard. But ignorance still isn’t an excuse.

2. Being un/misinformed is not equivalent to being cis sexist.

To say that when someone refers to you as the wrong pronoun BY MISTAKE is a heinous act of overt sexism is asinine and appalling. We live in a binary society, culturally trained to assign labels on the basis of outward appearance. Is that awful? Yes. Is it an opportunity to educate and elucidate? Yes. Let’s be honest: asking your gender and preferred pronoun is absolutely tasteless and classless, akin to asking your sexual orientation and if you like to eat ass or get your ass eaten. Your gender identification is deeply personal. At the same time, I cannot possibly refer to you as the right pronoun on initial meeting of you haven’t illuminated to me what you prefer to identify as. One mislabeling is a mistake, another after having been educated is a verbal act of violence.

It’s still not any less harmful. It still hurts, especially if it’s just another snowflake adding up to an avalanche. Every act, intentional or not, adds up to that and it doesn’t deserve to be excused. Mistakes happen and they can be harmful and oppressive even if they are mistakes. I would MUCH MUCH MUCH! rather someone asked me for my damn pronouns or my gender than just assume, fuck up and excuse their fuck up by saying ‘oh I didn’t know, it was just a mistake’ because that doesn’t help me. That still hurts. It still makes me feel like I did something wrong, yet again. You really shouldn’t assume you know how trans* folks or anyone other than yourself, feels about their gender identity and weather or not they can share that information. Honestly I would rather someone just fucking as for my damn pronouns upon meeting me rather than assume. I have had people do this, on the internet, in meatspace, and it’s fucking wonderful. it’s easy. I have an answer, and there you go.

Misgendering is a serious thing, it hurts, it matters, to say that it doesn’t, that everyone gets a freebie, is just more excuses. You don’t have to be actively cissexist to say cisseixst things or do cissexist things. Most acts of cissexism are small, subtle, not blatant. Misgendering is one of those things. Using slurs that have become normalized without knowing their baggage is one of those things. Saying binarist, ciscentric things is one of those things. We shoudln’t excuse them, we should fix them.

I’m sure there are others but these are the two that largely come to mind. I will be honest, I didn’t start to realize the expansive range of sexuality and gender until my collegiate years, having grown up the daughter of a preacher and reared in the church. I’m constantly breaking years of homophobic and bigoted teaching in my psyche. I’m imperfect, I mean no harm. I’m learning and growing in my massive armory of socio-political thought. This post is in no way to invade the safe space for other-gendered people. But I spend a great deal of time confused with how to be respectful, appropriate, and sensitive but it can be a maze of confusion out here.

Just my thoughts.

Meaning no harm is great. It’s appreciated, it’s wonderful. But meaning no harm isn’t the same as doing no harm. And the leaning process is hard, the curve is steep, I still fuck up all the god damned time, with this, with other shit (racism comes to mind, what with my white privilege and all) and I’m always confused. But that’s not an excuse. And I try so damn hard to remember to apologize, to learn and to move on, to not make that same fuck up again. I don’t expect people to know everything, I just expect them to try to learn.

Ignorance is an explanation, not an excuse.

- Leon